Today’s show is sponsored by new Findus Toilet Wallets! We’re not sure what they are either. We sell ’em, you smell ’em! You just open it:
[Mechanical door noise] This is the Technical Difficulties.
We are playing Citation Needed. I have an almost-randomly selected article from everybody’s favourite source of knowledge, Wikipedia, in front of me, and these folks cannot see it. Every fact that they get right is a point and a ding [DING], and there is a prize for particularly good answers which is… And your topic today is: ‘simplehuman’. [Laughter] Hello! Hi! Pass a bigger shovel, we’re going to be digging deep today. I use the cardinal directions of ‘up’, ‘down’, ‘left’ and ‘right’. I think I qualify. Is it like the whole Simple English thing, or something? Oh, like a simpler version of the language? Yeah, is it sort of an overall thing to try and achieve that in humanity or something, or…? No. Is it an album? Ooh, no it’s not, but that’s a nice prog rock album title there. I was going to say, ‘Simple Human’ is a… That is pretty much Granddaddy. Yeah, I thought it would be something like that. Okay… Let’s get the obvious — is it an LP, is it a film, or something like that? Is it media? Is it a medium? It’s not media at all. Okay. Is it some kind of eco-revolution? Ooo, not really, no. Oh sure, like a Good Life thing. A notion about how mankind used to exist… pre-evolutionary or something like that? You’re all thinking really quite big-picture here, and not at all commercial. — Commercial?
— Commercial. Oh, do they make bog roll? Oh, you know what, you’re getting a point. [DING] What! It’s not that close… They make rubbish bins, but that’s close enough out of the blue that I’m going to… That’s like standing in a pub with a dart in your hand, spinning around three times with your eyes closed, doing THAT and getting a bulls-eye! That’s how I play darts. And that’s why you’re banned! Oh, actually yeah, I’ve seen Matt play darts. Flailing! They go through to the other side and into the wall. Actually, to be fair, it’s more like standing in a pub with a dart in your hand, a pint in the other hand, throwing at the dartboard
and knocking everything down in the skittle alley. Yes. Yes. So simplehuman make bins. They do. They are considered, and I quote here, ‘among the most high-end [trash] cans on the market today’. Can you tell me why? Why are they some of the best bins? They wear a cravat. Are they antibacterial or er, micro… biobial… — Micro-biober…
— Miroberber… There were some words there, Matt. And the answer: No. Higher —
Are they made of gold? Or diamonds? Or something otherwise desirable? I’ll give you a point for diamonds, because it’s… Carbon! …durability. [DING] Durability? They last a long time. It’s one of the reasons. Huerrr… I don’t know what that noise meant. I can’t count the number of times I’ve broken my bins. No, you literally can’t, because it’s zero. — Yes. [Laughs]
— Yeah. Yes. I’ve never broken a wheelie bin or anything in my life. I mean, I’ve ridden in one, and I’ve never broken it. Are we talking dumpster-styley things, though, — Yeah, actually…
— that get serious industrial… No, we’re talking much… — Kitchen.
— Yeah, kitchen bins. An unbreakable kitchen bin? Do they do the solar compacting thing? Are they odour-proof? Odour-suppressant? Do they play a nice tune when you put something in them? [‘Shave and a haircut’ melody] Do they make the tea? I seem to recall a giveaway… I feel like it was some soft drink or other, that gave you a little thing that you attached to your bin that made a noise every time you opened it. What was the noise though? All right, you come home late from the pub one night… If you’re in my situation — you’re a married man, you’ve snuck back in, not wanting to wake the wife up, you’ve taken your shoes off, you’ve done the lot… You’ve sneakily eaten the kebab that you said you weren’t going to have, you tiptoe over to the bin… [Comedy music riff] At this point, it’s good you’ve taken your shoes off, because you’re sleeping on the couch tonight. Yeah. ‘Where’ve you been?!’
That kind of thing. Great. Thanks for making a noisy bin-thing. You’re right about technologically advanced bins here, but it’s one thing in particular that it does. Techno-Bins! No, that’s just bins that dance to repetitive music. [Dance beat] This is not a product placement, this is just what ‘Random Article’ pulled up for me. Does it sift and sort and do your recycling for you? No, it’s much less advanced than that. Does it play ‘Free Bird’? Does it let you put rubbish in it? — No.
— Yes. Easily. What would make that more — Front flap! How more easy than an open-mouthed… It’s not open-mouthed. It’s got an automatic lid. — Bingo! Point to you. [DING]
— Ahh. It has an automatic sensor-activated lid. — I think I’ve seen adverts for that now.
— Yup. — What…
— Like, late night, on a silly channel that no one ever watches anyway. So what, you wave at it? Play a trumpet? Call it? There is just no hope left for humanity, is there really? No, not really. This is basically, you wave your hand toward the bin and it opens for you. Until of course it breaks down, at which point it just becomes… But they don’t break! It says. What happens when the bin turns against you and starts throwing banana peels in your face? …which will happen! When the monkeys take over the world, anyway. What else have they added sensors to? Because there’s other kitchen and bathroom stuff they’ve added sensors to. Oh. Knives. I’ve seen sensors in knives. [Laughter]
Whoa, whoa — what?! Forks! Sorry, no… It wasn’t a knife, it was a fork.
[Laughter] Oh God. Curry tonight’s going to be entertaining, isn’t it. [Caveman grunts] What would you do to a fork? What possible… When you’re cooking a steak. — Ah…
— It’s got a temperature probe on it, and it tells you when it’s done. ‘Bring the temperature probe…’ So surely you just need a knife and a temperature probe. Why, when you could have it in a fork that you can then use to eat it? Or something, I don’t know. But it was a thing you stuck in a steak. There was another… a pan!
They put a sensor in a pan as well. — What for?
— Steak, again! — Okay.
— I’ve seen it on a shopping channel. Of a pan that will tell you of what manner your steak will be done… — …at the current temperature of pan.
— Oh, okay. My big issue with this is that Brannan watches shopping channels. Of course I watch shopping channels! He’s a married man. What else has he to do? Occasionally, we go down the shopping channels and go, ‘Nah… Nah… Nah… Bra? Sorry, luv, no bras…’ ‘Trousers that make your arse look better… that one.’ Saw one for pasta, as well. We’re actually looking in the bathroom for this. — Scales.
— Toilet. I like the idea that they put an insensitive in a scale. [Laughter] ‘Step off, lardo. I can’t take this any more.’ That’s the old gag, though, isn’t it? You step on the scale, it says ‘One at a time, please.’ ‘No coach parties.’ Bog roll! GARY: That’s a good place! No, it’s not, actually… It’s very obvious when you’ve run out of bog roll. But that answer’s already got me points once before, so I thought I’d try it again.
[Laughter] Not this time. It’s not absurd, though. Not in a private bathroom, but in, like works ones, — because you’ve got the automatic tap sensors…
— Yes. I’ve seen ones for, erm… You’re getting close with automatic tap sensors, by the way. Yeah. And there’s the things where you give it that number, and it gives you a couple of sheets to dry your hands on, so bog roll’s just the next one on that stage. Yeah, but people want different amounts, don’t they. You don’t just want one or two sheets. Yeah, but you just go…
Toilets? Everything in the bathroom apart from the one… — You’ve got the water, the towels…
— Toilets! Showers! — Soap.
— Bingo! Point. [DING] Oh yeah. [Mechanical noise] Just going back to your bog roll thing… Do you want to be sat in a work setting, in a cubicle, and if you have to do this or something to get the toilet roll to come out… It’d be great for the Queen. [Laughter]
Yes. She’d never stop it. She’d just be surrounded by it. [Laughter]
She’d be like an… Slowly — just this hand, as the paper rises…! It’s actually the train on her wedding dress. It’s winding around her hand… ‘Nooo!’ She looks like a naughty Andrex puppy when they find her. But the other thing is, a toilet roll dispenser telling you — like you say, in a public one — that there’s not much left… — ‘Go careful now!’
[Laughter] ‘If it was a curry, choose another stall.’ Isn’t that what toilet attendants used to probably do? Can you imagine? ‘Not that one! She’s out. Use Number 1.’ Can you tell me anywhere they might be sold? We’re looking for American retail stores… Walmart! Well, possibly, but we’re looking for some more… Bed Bath & Beyond. — Point!
— Ohh! — Damn.
— [DING] Spot on. I always did wonder what ‘Beyond’ was. Electric bins! [Laughter] Electric speaky clever bins, and toilet roll warning devices. ‘Danger: Bog Roll.’ I want Danger Bog Roll. ‘Each sheet a new danger!’ — Cactus.
— ‘This one is covered in crocodiles!’ Croc…! [Gnashing sounds] ‘There doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with this one… ‘Poison ivy!’ But why would I? She’s lovely. [Groan] No, just you’ve got Russian Roulette toilet paper. One’s chili. Capsaicin, yeah. One sheet out of every six has poison ivy or capsaicin on it. Ohh, yes! One out of six: spearmint. Tingly, but not necessarily wrong! Mint sauce, kind of… TCP. You’d smell that one from a mile off. Witch hazel. Tea tree! That would spice up toilet breaks, wouldn’t it though? Russian Toilette. Yes! Whoa, whoa, whoa! ‘Wheel of Fart-une’. *Weal* of Fart-une. Yes. I’ve got in my head, Nicky Campbell… Nicky Campbell! Or Pat Sajak, for you Americans out there, spinning the wheel, and you wonder what it’ll land on. ‘I’m sorry, that’s porcupine.’ ‘You’ve got… aloe vera.’ — ‘Allo, Vera.’
— ‘Alright, Gene.’ Ayyy! Does anyone want to tell me
what Bed Bath & Beyond used to be called? Because the first one opened in 1971…
it had a different name. Is it something really prosaic, like Harrison’s Home Supplies? Sleep Health Privy & Whatever. I’d say it’s about one-third more prosaic. Bed & Bath. Correct! [DING] ‘Wait, we’re selling more than just beds and baths. ‘What do we call it?’ ‘Bed, Bath… “Beyond” will probably do. ‘Everybody? Shall we knock off early?’ ‘Bed, Bath and… a third item.’ ‘Come in to see what it is!’ ‘I need some pillows, a new plug for the bath
and some Tarot cards.’ That was the second version of the name. It was just hanging off the edge of the store. Bed Bath & Tarot Cards? Bed Bath Pillows Some Other Things & Tarot Cards. While we’re on Bed Bath & Beyond, by the way… since we seem to be going down this wiki-hole… They’ve bought a lot of companies. Can you tell me what the name of the company that sold Christmas trees was that they bought about 2003? Green Pricks! What? Chris Masterson’s Christmas Trees. You’re all being far too serious here. The Christmas Tree Shop. — Point! [DING]
— F*** off! I was so close! Ha! ‘What do you sell?’
‘Cars.’ All right. There is one last thing that simplehuman sell, which is a sensor mirror. Can you tell me what it does? Tells you you’re ugly? ‘Mirror, mirror on the wall…’ ‘How do I look today?’ Northerner mirror:
‘F***in’ dreadful.’ Is it a sensorless mirror? Ha! A senseless mirror. ‘Idiot!’ A really insensitive — ‘Why did you leave the house?!’ A sensor mirror? I mean, what, does it… tell you you’ve brushed your teeth, or give you gestures… I’ve got to be honest, all the sensors so far are just if something is close to it. It’s not much of a sensor. Does it turn the lights on? Point. [DING] It turns the lights on if you’re close to the mirror. How do you know you’re close to the mirror if the lights aren’t on? It doesn’t turn the room lights on, it turns the mirror… — Sensor mirror: Boomf!
— ‘Oh f***!’ And you hammer the light switch,
which is just set a bit behind it. ‘I’ve sensed the mirror!’ ‘Why did I install this s****y mirror?’ ‘I’ve got to turn the lights off again now.’
Doof! ‘Mirror, mirror, on the wa — ohhh!’ ‘Oh, you bastard!’ Same with the oven! [Sizzling noise]
‘Aaargh!’ At the end of that… It’s the most dangerous house going. — The hot tap on the bath.
— Turn the telly on? Doonk! [Groans] ‘Honey? Will you switch on the light in the living room?’ I don’t want to use the waste disposal. ‘I need to fry some bacon. Can you turn on the gas?’ Whoomph! At the end of that, congratulations Matt! — F***!
— What?! You did score all the genuine points though. He did actually get the answers, yeah, you’re right. You win a gift voucher to everyone’s favourite
Communist high street shop, which is Marx & Spencer, so do enjoy that. Until then, that’s been Matt Gray… That’s been Gary Brannan… That’s been Chris Joel. I’ve been Tom Scott. We’ll see you next time. Hey, thanks for watching! If you liked the show then tell someone, tell us, or send us a telegram. And there are all-new episodes of our reverse trivia podcast over at techdif.co.uk. [Translating these subtitles? Add your name here!]