So glad to be here.
So glad to be here. I’m celebrating one year of
being a full-time comedian. I’m excited about that. [ Cheers and applause ] That’s right. That’s right. And this job is a breeze
compared to what I used to be. I used to be
a substitute teacher. That’s right. Yeah. Yeah. It was the worst time
of my damn life. I hated them kids. I hated the little bastards.
I ain’t lying. I thought about putting bleach
in their chocolate milk a few times. But the challenging part about
being a substitute teacher, believe it or not,
was calling the roll ’cause some of you parents
name your children some ridiculous-ass things. Now, I was substituting for this
kindergarten class one time. Kindergarten, now. Going down the roll, I couldn’t
believe what I was seeing. I said, “Uh, Chlamydiana?” She said, “Here”.
I said, “Okay.” I said, “Herpeshia.”
She said, “Present.” I said, “Y’all just
sit in the corner. Don’t touch nobody.
Don’t breathe on nobody. Sit in the corner.” Went back to the roll, and
I came across the name Shirley. I said, “Shirley”?
She said, “Present.” I said, “Baby,
you ain’t but 6 years old. Why the hell
is your name Shirley?” She said, “I don’t know.
My grandmama named me.” I said, “Well, now
I don’t know how to treat you ’cause I feel like
I need to show you respect. Miss Shirley, get in line.
Miss Shirley. Clean your desk off. Sharpen your pencil,
Miss Shirley.” But it wasn’t just me, now. She thought she was
an old woman, too. It wasn’t just me. I took her to the bathroom,
and she pulled her skirt down. She had a damn slip on. I said, “Now, what the hell
are you doing with a slip on?” [ Laughter ] Then, another day,
I told the students to bring their
favorite snack to school. You know, bring your
favorite snack. All the other students
brought Skittles and popcorn. What y’all think
Miss Shirley brought? What you think?
No. A sweet-potato pie. 6 years old.
A sweet-potato pie. Talking about
she made it from scratch. I’ll scratch your ass. You ain’t made no sweet-potato
pie from scratch. [ Laughter ] And I guess
she ate too much pie. ‘Cause she came to school
the next day. She said, “Miss Brent,
I don’t feel good.” I said, “What’s wrong?” She
said, “My blood pressure high.” [ Laughter ] So, I sent her little sick ass
to the school nurse, right? She came back in the room. I said, “All right,
Miss Shirley. What the nurse say
wrong with you?” She said, “Miss Brent,
the nurse say I got dementia.” I said, “If you don’t shut
your little lying ass up… The hell you got dementia
at 6 years old. [ Laughter ] You ain’t got no damn dementia.” She said, “Uh-huh! That why I be
forgetting to do my homework!” I said, “See that? See that?
You see that?” And that was the day
that I quit being a substitute teacher,