Browsing Tag: funny

    Masha and The Bear – Tracks of unknown Animals (Episode 4)
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    Masha and The Bear – Tracks of unknown Animals (Episode 4)

    August 15, 2019


    Hey! Watch out! Bear! Why are you not sleeping? Who’s been walking here? Aah! A bunny! Bunny! Bunny! Bunny! Bunny! Bunny! Bear! And who’s been walking here? It was a crocodile? Aah! It’s a wolf! There is a wolf over there! Let’s run! To look at the wolf! Don’t forget the snowball! Oh, wow! OK, OK, OK, yep… It’s the wolf again. Is this a bunny too? And here’s the wolf again! Where then? What’s this? A bunny? Really? Then this is the wolf! Is this the wolf? Well, is this the wolf? And this one is the wolf? Is this the wolf? The wolf? Wolf? Wolf?
    Wolf? Wolf? Wolf? Wolf?
    Wolf? Wolf? Wolf? Wolf?
    Wolf? Wolf? Wolf? Wolf?
    Wolf? Wolf? Wolf? Ah! This is the wolf! It was… …a bunny! Don’t Bother Me …it’s…
    …a bunny! If I see some tracks right now,
    I’d know them! I never fail! A guinea pig. A longhorn cow.
    A crawly bug. A nightingale. Whose tracks go in and out,Up and down the
    forest road? Who is running all about?
    Billy bear with Grizzly goat! No! Just wait now! I think I can’t… Who walked here for a while? Oh! It was a furry elephant.
    Or a feathered crocodile? No, I won’t lose! Yes, I will win!
    I know who’s been here too! It’s the tropic jungle penguin
    And the arctic cockatoo! If I see some tracks right now,
    I’d know them! I never fail! A guinea pig. A longhorn cow.
    A crawly bug. A nightingale. Bear, look at this! You see, it’s a bunny! Oh, Bear, you know nothing at all, you know!
    Oh, yeah!

    Key & Peele – Office Homophobe
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    Key & Peele – Office Homophobe

    August 15, 2019


    [rhythmic bass beat,
    sensual moans] ♪ ♪ – LATRELL? – WHAT’S UP, BABY GIRL? – CAN YOU PLEASE TURN
    THAT OFF? – WHY, YOU DON’T LIKE MY MUSIC?
    – IS IT MUSIC? BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE A BUNCH
    OF SEX NOISES OVER A BASS LINE. – OH. I GET IT. YOU DON’T LIKE MY MUSIC
    ‘CAUSE I’M GAY. YOU CAN’T HANDLE
    A GAY MAN’S MUSIC. – NO, NO, NO. IT’S–I’M TRYING TO WORK HERE, AND THAT MUSIC
    IS WEIRDLY SEXUAL. – OH, I SEE. SO MY SEXUALITY IS WEIRD. YOU JUST CAN’T FATHOM A MAN
    BEING ATTRACTED TO ANOTHER MAN. – I CAN FATHOM IT.
    IT’S– CAN YOU JUST PLEASE LISTEN
    TO SOME OTHER GAY MUSIC, LIKE BARBRA STREISAND
    OR SOMETHING– – OH, I SEE, I SEE.
    OKAY. SO LISTENING
    TO BARBRA STREISAND IS GAY. STEREOTYPE MUCH? [keys clacking] SO YOU SEEING
    ANYBODY LATELY? – YEAH, I-I MEAN, KIND OF. I THINK– – ‘CAUSE I GOT IT GOOD
    LAST NIGHT. OH, IT WAS LIKE, DAMN!
    I MEAN, MY MAN WAS LIKE, BLOP! LIKE, HE HAD A BABY ARM HOLDING
    ON TO A APPLE. – AW, DON’T CALL IT
    A BABY ARM. – AW. I SEE. SO YOU CAN’T HANDLE HEARING
    ABOUT HOW I’M GAY. I’M SORRY. – YOU JUST REFERRED
    TO YOUR BOYFRIEND’S PENIS AS A BABY’S ARM
    HOLDING AN APPLE. – WELL, THAT’S WHAT
    IT LOOKED LIKE. AND IT’S NOT MY BOYFRIEND,
    BY THE WAY. AND “ANYWHATS,”
    YOU’RE HOMOPHOBIC. – NO, NO, NO.
    THAT’S NOT HOMOPHOBIC, OKAY? YOU’RE EXPLICITLY TALKING
    ABOUT SEXUAL THINGS IN THE WORKPLACE. – FINE. THERE’S PLENTY OF STUFF
    THAT WE CAN TALK ABOUT. YOU KNOW, UH, MY PENIS CUP, MY SCROTUM COZIES THAT I HAVE
    BEEN KNITTING RECENTLY– OH, WITH THESE KNITTING NEEDLES
    THAT I HAVE JUST NOTICED LOOK LIKE LITTLE, SKINNY,
    PURPLE PENISES, ET CETERA AND ET CETERA. – OH, MY GOD. – CAN I SHOW YOU A PICTURE, AND THEN YOU TELL ME
    IF IT’S GOOD FOR FACEBOOK? – OKAY, I’M FAIRLY CERTAIN
    YOU’RE GOING TO SHOW ME SOMETHING OVERTLY SEXUAL. – DON’T YOU PREJUDGE ME!
    HERE IT IS. – AGH! [bleep]! THAT’S A CLOSE-UP
    OF AN ANUS. – OH, NO, THAT’S NOTANANUS. THAT’S MY ANUS, BABY GIRL. – THAT’S DISGUSTING.
    – OH, I SEE. SO YOU DON’T WANT TO SEE
    A CLOSE-UP PICTURE OF MY ANUS ‘CAUSE YOU HATE GUY MEN. – NO. I DON’T WANT TO LOOK
    AT A CLOSE-UP PICTURE OF ANYONE’S ANUS. – HOMOPHOBE. HOMOPHOBE.
    THERE’S A HOMOPHOBE RIGHT HERE. HO–
    [blows whistle] HOMOPHOBE ALERT! [high-pitched voice]
    HOMOPHOBE! [imitating siren wailing] – HEY. – HEY, BABY.
    HOW’S IT GOING? – GOOD.
    READY TO GO TO LUNCH? – YEAH. UH, LATRELL, THIS IS GAVIN. GAVIN, THIS IS LATRELL.
    THIS IS MY BOYFRIEND. – HOW YOU DOING? – I’M–I’M–
    I’M DOING VERY WELL. HOW–HOW ARE YOU DOING,
    GAVIN–GAVIN? – GREAT. WANT TO GO?
    – YEAH. – NICE TO MEET YOU. – NO, TRUST ME.
    IT’S NOT. – NO?
    – THAT’S THE GUY. – OH. – OH…
    I GET IT. I’M NOT PERSECUTED.
    I’M JUST A ASSHOLE. AH.

    A Crap Guide to D&D [5th Edition] – Ranger
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    A Crap Guide to D&D [5th Edition] – Ranger

    August 13, 2019


    Just play a fighter with a bow, it’s way better. Alright, fine, I’ll talk about the class. Rangers, the other of the bisexual style of classes… Where it likes Fighter, but it also likes Druid and flips between the two depending on which one looks cuter at the moment. Hell, it even steals a few things from Rogue because it’s so indecisive. And despite the name Ranger, you’re not actually restricted to use any sort of ranged weapon in order to be effective. As far as combat goes, you get the usual Fighter (but not really Fighter) set of features. Fighting style, all weapons, extra attack, spellcasting, D10 hit die… Hey, Macarena! From Rogues, it steals the ability to channel your inner chameleon and blend into the environment. Except instead of hiding in the shadows and watching where you step, it’s more like putting on makeup. So you need to take some time, have a good look in the mirror, maybe look up some tutorials while you’re at it. Then start over when you realize you were using the wrong shade of foundation. From Druid, it steals some of that “being one with nature” flavor it’s got going on and a whole lotta spells. But not without a few exclusive spells of its own. Like having a target explode a bunch of thorns when hit with a ranged attack… Plant arrows in the ground and turn them into proximity-based fireworks except the gunpowder is magic and the lights are bits of enemy brains… And single-handedly, the objectively best Ranger spell, Swift Quiver. Not for the unlimited ammo, that’s dumb, nobody keeps track of their arrows anyway… But because it turns your ranged weapon into a rapid-fire machine gun. “But Joseph, you said you don’t need to use a ranged weapon to be effective as a ranger!” “Those all sound like ranged weapon-exclusive spells!” That may be true, however! [silence] Anyway, when it comes to actual unique Ranger features… You can use the power of racism to decide what kind of creatures you’re going to perform extra potent hate crimes on… And preferred terrain, where you can pick your favorite environment and after trotting around picking flowers or litter (depending on what it is)… You can become a fantasy Bear Grylls. Which is basically real life Bear Grylls, except with a Kobold crew filming you instead. And if you worry that that sounds too situational and that if you picked the forest terrain and the entire campaign took place in the snowy mountains… Would mean the feature would be more useless than a football player who got tapped on the shoulder and started clutching their knees, crying in the fetal position… Don’t worry. You’re right. And it is. What isn’t situational is just about everything else involving the environment. You can sense what kids are trespassing on your lawn and then not have to worry about the weeds that might otherwise slow you down from catching them… And givin’ them a good WHAPPIN. When it comes to flavors of the “no really, trust us, you can totally use melee and still be useful” class… You have “Pokemon Trainer (With a Gun)”, “Like Rogues (But Even Dodgier)”, “Literally a Monster Hunter”, “Thinking with Portals”, and “PEW, PEW, PEW PEW PEW.” Alright, let’s address the beholder in the room. The vanilla incarnation of the Ranger has the reputation of being less useful when compared to the other classes due to questionable abilities and how they function. That’s not to say the class can’t be useful or powerful in the right circumstances. But some consider the Ranger’s situational and sometimes under-powered features to leave something to be desired. However, there’s nothing wrong about talking to your DM about changing how certain skills work if that happens to be the case… So that you can have more fun at your roleplaying table. But you know what? At the end of the day, it’s not about how many numbers you can do to the bad guy. It’s about whether or not you can… And now you know how to play Ranger! You’re welcome.

    The Secret Train Station Under New York City
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    The Secret Train Station Under New York City

    August 12, 2019


    This video was made possible by Blue Apron. The first 50 people to sign up at the link
    in the description will get $50 off their first two weeks. You’ve heard of the secret train system
    in DC, you’ve heard of the secret train platform in London, but have you heard of
    the secret train station in New York? I hope not because that’s this week’s
    dose of content. Let’s rewind 150 years to the era of not
    planes, trains, and not automobiles. In this time, the railroads coming from the
    north into New York City ended up at Grand Central Depot. This massive rail yard took up more than a
    dozen city-blocks in one of New York’s densest areas and so the owners of the station, the
    New York Central Railroad, saw an opportunity. They would put the entire rail yard underground,
    build a huge new station, sell all the freed up real estate, and get that bread. 10 years and 85 million cubic feet of dirt
    later Grand Central Terminal opened and it was actually pretty neat. It has more tracks and platforms than any
    other station in the world and today includes all sort of non-rail related things like a
    tennis club in the ceiling which was once run by a certain future US president. The station also had at one point, and this
    is true, a 65 foot indoor ski slope. As this implies, Grand Central was long at
    the center of American opulence as much of the country’s early wealth was earned by
    rail tycoons. Given that, on top of the now buried tracks,
    plenty of important buildings sprang up. In the area that was once the rail yards there
    is today the headquarters of the Colgate-Palmolive Company, JP Morgan, MetLife, Major League
    Baseball, and also the Waldorf Astoria hotel. This hotel has long been considered one of
    the world’s most prestigious and has been stayed at by countless celebrities. Up until 2015, when the hotel was bought by
    a Chinese company, the Waldorf Astoria was the place where US presidents stayed when
    they made their frequent visits to New York. The hotel has a lavish Presidential Suite
    that’s been stayed in by every US president between Herbert Hoover and Barack Obama and
    non-presidents like the Kings of Jordan, Saudi Arabia, Spain, and Norway, the Queen of England,
    the Emperor of Japan, General Charles de Gaulle of France, and more. While it costs the general public between
    $4,000 and $8,000 to stay there per night, the hotel gives a generous discount to the
    US government and, by extension, the American taxpayer, and the room is even designed to
    emulate the style of the White House. Conveniently, the room is also about 500 feet
    above the Grand Central Tracks buried more than 100 years ago. Now, back in a time before private jets, the
    way that America’s richest and most powerful individuals got around without mingling with
    the normals was by private rail car. These would be hitched to the back of public
    trains and included dining rooms, kitchens, large bedrooms, lounges, and more. In the same way that US presidential candidates
    now often do speeches at airports in front of their planes, in the past candidates would
    do whistle-stop tours where they would make short speeches in small towns across America
    from the back of private rail-cars. Roosevelt was a particular fan of using these
    trains. Due to polio-induced paralysis, the bottom
    half of his body didn’t work but he did serve twice as many terms as any other US
    president so, equal? Unbelievably though, he was able to hide his
    handicap from most of the American public through careful coordination at events and
    the cooperation of the press. That’s why whenever he was seen standing
    he was holding on to someone or something. Giving speeches from the back of a railcar
    was therefore easy as he didn’t have to go far in public. While nowadays presidents fly on Air Force
    One to New York, Roosevelt would often make the trip by rail but arriving in Grand Central
    Station would be far too public to hide his ailment. His train therefore stopped a third of a mile
    short of Grand Central and was shunted to a small secret platform directly below the
    Waldorf Astoria hotel. From there, an elevator would take him up
    into the hotel. It’s unclear how many times FDR used this
    secret station as it was, of course, secret but its believed to have been used by plenty
    of presidents and celebrities since his era. The secret platform and elevator still exists
    today and, while its existence is no longer secret, we’re not always sure what it’s
    being used for. This inconspicuous door on 50th street is
    reportedly the entrance to the elevator down to the platform. We do know for sure that the platform has
    been used at least once in recent decades while a US president has stayed at the Waldorf
    Astoria. In 2003, while President Bush was staying
    there for a United Nations General Assembly session, an idling Metro-North train was kept
    at this platform ready to shuttle the president off Manhattan at any moment in case of emergency. While not confirmed, it’s assumed that this
    procedure is repeated whenever presidents visit the Waldorf Astoria nowadays. If you need to not be seen in public for security,
    secrecy, laziness, or other reasons you need to remember to eat and one of the best eating
    methods is with Blue Apron. Each week, Blue Apron delivers boxes to your
    door filled with farm-fresh pre-apportioned ingredients that you can use to quickly make
    the recipes included. I’ve tried plenty of different Blue Apron
    meals and they’ve all been delicious and unique. Each meal is between 500-800 calories per
    person, takes less than 40 minutes to prepare (and often only 20 to 30 minutes), and costs
    as little as $7.49 per serving. If you want to try Blue Apron out, the link
    in the description will get you $50 off your first two weeks.

    When City Planning in Cities Skylines floods Atlantis
    Articles, Blog

    When City Planning in Cities Skylines floods Atlantis

    August 12, 2019


    okay so now I guess now um we play with you at last we got a Tesco’s and a drugstore know that that’s not reason to settle in the new world like I don’t know what is just be careful you don’t go near like the pump in pipes cuz they’re all still active and like you know little Timmy will go up like pretty fast if he gets caught in one but only making a loss of $146,000 every hour so you know the next step is to cover our financials we killed most of Europe so we can’t count on them for a loan so it’s probably gonna come down just to Canada Oh none of them have water okay that is unfortunate the Atlantic a pipeline quite literally because it’s from the people of Atlantis is now going to save Canada they’d literally only want shops or some reason do you think maybe the reason people aren’t moving in into Atlantis is because well because of the old world and they’re moving in there do we need to destroy Europe uh astrologist report that a devastating meteor will strike this oh god shelter immediately if any is available hey that’s more like okay we just need a few more like that sorry Africa okay oh no we have to be careful here because already I can see some of that land like it is leakin we’ll help a poacher the great know any Baltic States but Atlantis is the future a meteor strike has occurred the old world is gone we didn’t mean that world anyway Europe in particular is just been like frickin nuked sinc Madagascar goddamn Madagascar lived again every single time that’s gonna settle guys we still have the pumps look it’s not a lot of water it was just it’s just the waves see it’s just the waves like don’t don’t oh my god back hang on all right no we don’t need sound America either hang on seal off South America okay we may have accidentally flooded New Atlantis a little bit but like it didn’t reach the dwellings yeah I’m like you know the water water is draining all by itself yeah we just have to lose South America as well the main thing is Canada is fine right now there we go we have defensive measures in case outlandish floods like all the pipes here we’ll push it back and the wall will hold okay it’s it’s it’s just like attack on Titan except that’s a bad example because they breach the wall it’s like attack on Titan but the Titans don’t get very far they can now enter the new world from the voyage that goes past Alaska you know you know like that other side the planet you’re not really sure what’s going on I’m gonna leave Switzerland alive so you can have a lot more money please I mean so what so that’s kind of survived I believe that was Switzerland oh look at that the grass just saw the entire world just became green the grass just grew at this beautiful Valley don’t mind that like Iceland like Iceland is pretty much gone I’m gonna be honest with you that Park seen better days that is what remains of Iceland keep it there as a reminder there’s the Sea Island for the previous hi this is utopian society so you know we’re already gonna have a hospital and no expense spared there’s a fire station like this city has everything you could possibly need fire people living there right now that’s the one area we’re kind of struggling with but you know with building our way up you still have to compete with Canada you know they got two morons then now they’re just gonna constantly start building up and we’re gonna get like every possible policy that we can book we’re gonna like give tax reliefs for literally everyone leisure is free Parks and Recreation smoke detectors and you know what because this is the perfect society and we’ve been holding off on it a while they’re gonna get blimps blimps to rise once again I mean this is literally the perfect society you know like you can you can’t you can’t have the perfect society and there be no blimps we’re gonna have the disaster like sponsz unit if you care about the lives of our people up the land value like just beautiful gardens like everywhere it honestly is still surreal like how much things have exploded the past eight year you know I was in a pretty bad place thank you much earlier this year I’m like now I just have like a freakin career you know I’m like I’m doing like what I love and I God I I I’m not I’m probably never gonna be used to it not not to ruin the little moment we’re having right now is like half the chat is just like love hearts the other half is just like people screaming like mercy remove the time kill as leftist you know like we’re just having a little arty oh we have conquered the skies welcome to the city blimps hashtag new public transport these guys know these guys know how they get around and you know this one because there’s gonna be some it street again everything in this is pretty much our crowning glory as sorry cities go we will never build a city better than this cost us the rest of the world but you know we only need to Canada look at this society have enough goods to sir look they’re coming in they’re coming in from Alaska how people do it on this huh oh my god the traffic whoa when this gets so bad I’m gonna regret this but I’m gonna demolish half of Canada now I’m sorry guys we just we just need a better road we just need one more feature because it wouldn’t be the perfect society about this in loving memory of West Virginia and because we get we’re going all-in with everything today oh no this is just like when we built the actual domes it’s not working good enough we got the dome ladies and gentlemen this has been the best round to think of City skylines we’ve ever done you know one Road said it was perfect society but this one I had the most fun with for the final time for quite some time Oh God what’s dramatic is asados II it’s coming into Oh No okay I know these people are dead no these people are dead oh oh it’s covenant oh god the waters we in front this is how Atlantis fell [Music] there goes Atlantis [Music] it’s being taken out on boys [Music] there’s nothing left the blimps are really confused [Music] we’ve done it off going home boys [Music] spend city skylines I think the fresh fresh hashtag water is basic stuff but know how long we have to wait for working water pipes oh don’t worry that’s I’m working water on the way I mentioned this before on the channel that I take breaks yeah rip Canada I take breaks between games just so you know I I get on exhaustion III never wanted to be just like kind of the same thing over and over again you know it’s similar to like the Roswell family house over I am incredibly happy with how this series has been and I wouldn’t change it for the world I’ve done everything I wanted to do we’ve done the Earth Map we drained an ocean we did the one road you know we did the thing with the blimps was in a city in the sky we’ve done the domes I think we’ve done the original I kind of like poop Kano you know I think we’ve had it like a great run with this game so I’m gonna take a bit of a break I’ll come back to it in due time when I feel up for something new sort of like The Sims like you rember like with the original Ross Bob family house over we took a break I did not came back with like all the experiments on the Hunger Games stuff I’m kind of at that point with cities I want to take a bit of a break I want to experiment the expansion’s too as well because there’s a lot of stuff we can do that as well there’ll be some new games on the horizon roblox with so it’s not roblox guys guys no it’s not roblox [Music] you

    RAILROAD ACCIDENT SCARE PRANK!!
    Articles, Blog

    RAILROAD ACCIDENT SCARE PRANK!!

    August 11, 2019


    It’s show time Gonna be a lot of fun Are you excited Joakim? Yeah, gonna be a sweet ass revenge Yeah F*ck Vlad Vlad Our car stalled Our car stalled on the rail-road on the rails!! Vlad, open the door! Vlad: Open it! Open it!!!! Please! Open! The train is coming it’s coming! Open! We have to go! Joakim Are you f*cking dumb or what? The train is coming now Did you hear the sounds? Like the train horn? Did you hear it? We got sounds from the lattice barrier perfectly when we were crossing the rail-road So there was a train coming for real So did you hear it? Yeah So this was the actual prank? Yeah, we wouldn’t film the other one This is my revenge prank on you Did you really think we could open a ramp in front of other cars? What did you really think? Sorry dude I hope it’s fine Let me feel the pulse Damn, feel it Well, okay…. We were like, you need to kick out the door Now we are even No disgusting cat food for me anymore You can’t compare this to the cat food And i don’t want no crowbar against my head So now we are even So nice it’s done

    Ghost Fighting Corporation | Pilot
    Articles, Blog

    Ghost Fighting Corporation | Pilot

    August 10, 2019


    Jack: It’s like having a dog Dean: Jack D: This wasn’t me. J: Yeah, that’s the third time you’ve said that. J: But you’re the only other one here. So who else would it had been? D: Oh, I don’t know about that. J: You know I do let you live here rent-free. J: I don’t wanna have a go but you owe me about… D: I know! D: I know.. J: I’m just saying. And I know you’ll get it to me. But.. J: It’s been like two months since you lost your job. J: Have you even been looking for another one? What did you do today? D:Well, I checked the newspaper looking for jobs and then, then I did a Seppuku. J: A Seppuku? D: Yeah, you know there are lil’ puzzles in the newspapers. J: That’s a Sudoku. D: What did I say? J: Seppuku J: Which is a form of Japanese ritual suicide. D: Oh J: The Samurai do it D: Right J: They do it to die with honor, rather than falling into the hands of their enemies. J: You did a puzzle. D: Well it was a hard puzzle. J: Could offer to help, by the way. D: I think I know what did this. D: But I’m gonna sound mental. D: I think it’s a ghost. J: Yeah, I think you’re right. J: Umm, that is mental. J: It’s not what you think. I just missed the shelf. J: So.. J: We’re on a hill. J: Okay… J: Strong, are ya? J: Yeah, yeah.. That’s weird! Ghost! Lovely ghost! Ghost in the house. J: Yeah, I admit it. I’m freaked out a little bit now. J: It’s exactly what I needed some supernatural behavior after a long day of admin. D: I think that in situations like this, there’s only one thing to do. J: We need to talk to a professional. D: I mean, I was gonna burn down the house and claim on the insurance but let’s give yours ago. ?: This room has become cold. ?: I can hear a frail voice but I can’t make out the words. ?: Sounds angry. Boy: FUCK YOU!!! Mom: Billy! Dad: What is this?! ?: Your son is possessed. Girl: COOL! Mom: Don’t film your bother when he’s like this. ?: This demon is strong. ?: I’m afraid it’s gonna cost extra. Dad: I’ll pay it! ?: Good job, kid. Billy: Always wanted to do it. I also wanted 20 pounds. Billy: Why do you do this? ?: Because it’s a job that your family is stupid enough to pay for. Billy: Cool. So pay up. ?: I just did. Billy: But you got paid extra for I’d done. I could go back inside and tell my dad on you. ?: Okay ?: Let me see if I get this straight ?: Your plan is to go inside and tell mummy and daddy that you swore in front of them and you weren’t possessed? ?: Good luck with that. Billy: Damn it! ?: Hello? J&D[on the phone]: Hello! Hi, I’m not sure if we’ve got the right number but I was wondering if.. ?: Are you having a problem with the supernatural? D[on the phone]: Umm,are we? J[on the phone]: Yes, we are, yeah. ?: You’ve got the right number. Meet me tomorrow at midday. By the way my name is Lucy. J&D[on the phone]: Okay, where would you like us to.. Lucy: Hello D[on the phone]: Yes, I’m not a mind-reader. Where’d do you want us to meet you? J[on the phone]: Dean… Do you wanna just come to our house? L: No, no. L: We need to meet first. J&D[on the phone]:Why? L: Because I need to check you are not crazy. L: Oh, I believe in ghosts come to my house. No. J&D[on the phone]: Fair enough. D: What did the text say? J: It said meet by the canal. D: Are you Lucy? Random Person: What?! I’m a man. J: Well you never know these days, mate D: Yeah it’s 2015. D: It’s pretty lucky we found you, actually.Umm… D: We googled “help us get rid of a ghost, please” and they brought us to you. L: You put “please” into google? J: Yeah, well we’re.. J: We’re polite like that so.. D: I mean have you ever thought about like changing the branding? Giving it a different name or a name? D: Like “Spirit Stopper” D: “Lucy, Spirit Stopper” L: Just a shit way of saying ghostbuster, which isn’t what I do. J: Okay, so how does this sort of thing usually work? L: Well, I will come and examine the area. L: I see you two live together. J: Yeah, we live together but we’re not together. J: I’m single, so.. L: Sure? L: I’ll identify the supernatural source if there is one and we’ll go from there. J: See what happens, no pressure. Nice.. D: Did you, uh, did you say supernatural sauce? // L: Yeah.. D: I like it. Sounds tasty. L: You two don’t see a lot of other people, do you? L: You alright? Drinking enough water? D: Yeah I’m drinking water. J: I stay hydrated. ??: She isn’t who she says she is. D: Are you talking to me? ??: Yes, my name is Detective Sudoku. Detective Sudoku: I need your help. [Mummers] [Mummering continues] Detective Sudoku: Don’t follow me. D: Yeah but I need to get this tube. Detective Sudoku: Get the next one. D: It’s in like ten minutes. Detective Sudoku: Fine. Get on. D: So where you off to? Detective Sudoku: Not telling you. D: Fair enough. L: Right, so everything in this room was knocked over. L: Everything except this vase? D: So it’s in the vase? L: Mm-Hmm D: Give it a rub. J: It’s not a genie. Genie How’d you know you do Bicker like an Old Married Couple i told you before We’re Not a couple i’m single so why’d you Keep Saying that it’s Better than Saying I’m Alone Which I’ve Said now Where did You Buy This I didn’t Buy it was a when I moved in I’ve Thought of Another Name Demon Destroyer No Cuz I’m Just Thinking Surely you need a name a logo A Hotline You Know if You’re A legitimate Business Which you are Obviously Polar heist that that’s good Name isn’t it that is A good Name Never like that valles ruins the fung Shui of the whole room Estate Agents that I can’t move it Though Didn’t I literally can’t Move it but you know that Makes sense Now Spirits Sometimes Inhabit inanimate Objects Like This the Change in Mass is Actually Pretty cool What do you think of lucy Think She’s great at my Ass go after This I mean hold off on the Wedding bells Though because, one I don’t think she likes you too She’s A con artist What I just don’t think You’ve Got Any Natural Chemistry no how, do you know that She’s A con artist Right okay after the first Time I met Lucy A detective told me that Inside of our House before With some sort of Fake Exorcism on A to be Confirmed real Ghost that’s inside of Avars that I think She’s trying to steal I don’t know But I’m Wearing A wire Another Detective Can Hear Every Single Word that we’re Saying? You’ve Gone To some lengths this Time dean Can you believe this wire it’s like One of The eight Chester’s I have you’re Just Worried that If I start Hanging out with Lucy Then? We’re not going to Spend as much Time Together I worry about a lot of Things The Environment So this Detective is Listening to everything the way of Saying right now yeah You’re a Dickhead You can’t do that Jack you Can’t Call a policeman a Dickhead that’s against the law and Now I’M an Accomplice Thanks A lot Lucy What happened I Think you Should i’m the new Fella Me but I can’t be Sure I tell you it’s that Boss trying to Kill People now that’s a step up are you Mental What are These for were you gonna Chisel the ghost out of the vault Lose my neck is Still Trapped underneath a, chandelier okay, yeah I’m Calling them Bad lights Know what’s Going on Please on the Fraud Shit I take Advantage of Stupid People who believe in the Supernatural? No, offense What Did I tell ya She’s A con, artist did You get all that Are you wearing a wire why Is this Early Two-Thousands Cop Show? That wasn’t me You are such a prick That Chandelier Is Coming out Perfect Can you do Anything else over to make A bit of A mess of your height man Jack So There is Something in the Voice Well Just leave when you get out of it there’s the door Who Can Close it all go better at the end of A long, day all they Want to do Is come home with Calm and empty House I mean you Can stay but Just get Job Are you Losing I like you but Just don’t lie to people i mean I didn’t know ghosts were real until Just now What are you Planning? Shoot Me it doesn’t even Hurt, okay yeah that one Hurt Quite A bit but the Point Still stands and I’ll tell you something When i didn’t believe in Ghosts I imagined them to be Scarier in you and by the way this farce is Bloody ugly Bullshit it Commits Seppuku your Name Eva Lucy Yeah Didn’t sing off our Head yeah you’re not very Good at this Nope Sorry, about the Trying to rob you thing , don’t say it too Loudly because you know you got the Well i mean the Paramedics I’m Just Saying it’s the same light Same Number Change The tone When i walk over Jeez No Handcuffs Then Don’t know when it happened but it’s broken so yeah You get Off Scot-Free By the Way love that last line Jack Does his big Ol speech and then you swoop in and Take a look at Glory Boom Love it now Just got some encouragement from the hike man wow. What Can i Say You’re Taking the piss All Right fine stop Twisting my arm we’re in We’ll join the Team What Are you sure what about don’t Worry about Logistics Admin We’ll figure that out Yeah and once we join forces I have three conditions I want a name I want a logo and our hotline Quiet nice here isn’t it i might sleep here tonight You could never sleep in here why not we could get the desk join me No Hey Check out the New T-Shirts Lucy do not Think it looks like, we’re Working for A chicken Place

    I’ve Been Working on the Railroad | Favorite Children’s Nursery Rhymes | Baby Genius
    Articles, Blog

    I’ve Been Working on the Railroad | Favorite Children’s Nursery Rhymes | Baby Genius

    August 10, 2019


    I’ve been workin’ on the railroad. All the
    livelong day. I’ve been workin’ on the railroad. Just
    to pass the time away. Can’t you hear the whistle blowing? Rise up
    so early in the morn. Can’t you hear the captain shouting. “Dinah,
    blow your horn?” Dinah, won’t you blow. Dinah, won’t you blow.
    Dinah, won’t you blow your horn? Dinah, won’t you blow. Dinah, won’t you blow.
    Dinah, won’t you blow horn. Someone’s in the kitchen with Dinah.
    Someone’s in the kitchen, I know. Someone’s in the kitchen with Dinah.
    Strumming on the old banjo. I’m singin’ Fee, fie, fiddle-e-I-o.
    Fee, fie, fiddle-e-I-o-o-o-o. Fee, fie, fiddle-e-I-o.
    Strumming on the old banjo.

    Key & Peele – Auction Block
    Articles, Blog

    Key & Peele – Auction Block

    August 10, 2019


    – ALL RIGHT,
    Y’ALL GATHER ROUND.
    GATHER ROUND.
    WELCOME, GENTLEMEN. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL AND BLESSED DAY
    FOR AN AUCTION. ALL RIGHT, Y’ALL,
    GET ON UP THERE. – PUT THAT WHIP DOWN
    AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS, THOUGH. – STRAIGHT UP. I DON’T CARE WHAT PLANTATION
    I END UP ON. I’M STRAIGHT STAGING A REVOLT
    IN THIS MOTHER[bleep]. – HELLS YEAH. – WE HAVE LOT A,
    LOT B, AND LOT C. – UH, $3 ON LOT A.
    – $4. – 5! – $5 GOING ONCE, TWICE,
    THREE TIMES, SOLD. LOT A GOES TO THE MAN
    IN THE BLACK HAT. – I MEAN, GOOD.
    – YEAH. – [chuckles] I’M GLAD
    I DIDN’T GET SOLD, ‘CAUSE I DON’T WANT TO BE OWNED
    BY ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. – WHOEVER BUYS ME, THEY BETTER
    KILL ME THE FIRST DAY, OR I’MA GO BUCK-WILD
    ON THE WHOLE OPERATION. – OKAAY? – NEXT ONE,
    GET UP ON UP THERE, NOW. – OH, THIS–OKAY. both: [inhale] – $6 ON LOT A. – $7!
    – EIGHT. – 9! – $9 GOING ONCE, TWICE,
    THREE TIMES, SOLD! both: [exhale] – OKAY, WELL,
    YOU HAVE TO BUY THAT DUDE. – IT’S A NO-BRAINER.
    – I MEAN, THAT GUY’S HUGE. – A MASSIVE INDIVIDUAL. – THAT’S TWO OF ME.
    – ANYBODY WOULD BUY HIM. – I’D BUY THAT DUDE. – MY QUESTION IS
    HOW’D THEY CATCH HIM? – NEXT! – OKAY. OH, YEAH.
    – YEAH. – $2 ON LOT A. – $2 GOING ONCE, TWICE,
    THREE TIMES, SOLD. – SEE, NOW,
    THAT SURPRISES ME. – THAT IS INTERESTING,
    TO SAY THE LEAST. – I MEAN, WELL, IT JUST SEEMS
    LIKE AT A CERTAIN POINT, IT’S LIKE, DO THEY EVEN KNOW
    WHAT THEY’RE LOOKING FOR? – IT’S LIKE
    THE WHOLE CRITERIA SEEMS JUST A LITTLE
    INCONSISTENT. – I MEAN, AT SOME POINT,
    I WANT TO BE ON LOT A. – YEAH, WHICH–
    CAN A BROTHA GET ON LOT A? – NEXT. – OH, HERE WE GO.
    – HERE WE GO. – BEEN A PLEASURE.
    – GIVE ‘EM HELL. – ALL RIGHT.
    – OKAY. – $8 ON LOT A. – GOING ONCE, TWICE,
    THREE TIMES, SOLD! – HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?
    – NOPE, NOT TRUE. – HOW DOES IT HAPPEN? – WHAT YOU JUST SAID–
    THAT’S GOBBLEDYGOOK. OKAY? THAT CAN’T BE TRUE.
    ‘CAUSE WHAT CAN THIS DUDE DO? LOOK AT HIM.
    WHAT COULD HE PICK? A COTTON PLANT
    IS, LIKE, THIS TALL. – YES.
    – I’M SAY– NO OFFENSE, BROTHA,
    I’M JUST SAYING. – OFFENSE TAKEN.
    – WHA–[gasps] AM I WRONG? IS HE NOT SHORT?
    HE’S SHORT. BUT YOU ARE ACTUALLY SHORT
    IN REAL LIFE, IN THE WORLD. – YOU’RE GOOD, MAN.
    – ENOUGH. I WILL NOT HAVE
    MY REPUTATION TAINTED, SELLIN’ SUPERFICIAL,
    BIGOTED SLAVES. – SUPERFICIAL? DID THAT REALLY
    JUST COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH? – THAT’S IT!
    THIS AUCTION’S OVER! – AUCTION’S OVER?
    – WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. NO, IT’S–IT AIN’T OVER.
    IT’S NOT OVER! I’M STRONG, Y’ALL! I’M VERY STR–
    I CAN SLEEP IN A BUCKET. – I’M FAST, I GOT STAMINA,
    AND I KNOW MAGIC. – MY WORST QUALITY
    IS THAT I’M A PERFECTIONIST. – LET ME MEN–
    HAVE I MENTIONED THIS? DOCILE. I AM AGREEABLE
    TO A FAULT. YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE DUDE
    WHO ASKED ME TO GET ON THE BOAT WHEN WE CAME OVER HERE. – NOT A VIOLENT BONE
    IN MY BODY. – I JUST WALKED RIGHT ON,
    NO BIG DEAL. NEVER SEEN A BOAT
    IN MY LIFE.

    The Baboon That Controlled a Railway for 9 Years
    Articles, Blog

    The Baboon That Controlled a Railway for 9 Years

    August 10, 2019


    This video was made possible by Ecosia. Start using the search engine that plants
    trees with every search you make at ecosia.co/HAI. Monkey see, monkey do. Baboon see, baboon control a railway used
    by multi-ton trains and thousands of passengers. That’s how it worked in the late 1800’s
    in South Africa. Back in ye olde days radios didn’t exist
    and since trains were loud, you couldn’t just shout at the driver to tell them what
    to do. Therefore, in the 1800s, signals were developed
    as a way to tell incoming trains to stations what to do. At first, lanterns and hand signals were used
    by signalmen to convey the information needed but as technology advanced signals that could
    be controlled by switches and levers were installed to ease the process. These signals were similar to weathervanes
    in that they consisted of fixed posts with movable discs or signage that could be controlled
    via a switch. Various colors meant to stop or go or proceed
    with caution, and there were other vanes on different axes to indicate which tracks to
    pull into once arriving at the stations and various other signs meaning to take it to
    the left, right, to criss-cross, to cha cha now, to cha cha again, and for everybody to
    clap their hands. With the world going loco for locomotives
    at the time tons and tons of signalmen were needed to ensure that the trains stuck to
    schedules, were in working condition, and stuck to the proper tracks. Signalmen, as their names imply, were also
    responsible for operating the levers that would set off the signals for the trains out
    of the signal house. In the 1870s, one of the signalman for the
    Cape Town to Port Elizabeth Mainline Railroad in South Africa was a man named James Wilde. Wilde went by the nickname “Jumper” because
    he had a habit of jumping between the cars that would pass on the tracks and in a totally
    unforeseen and completely unpreventable twist of fate, Jumper once jumped a moving railcar
    and fell under it losing both of his legs in the process. After this, Jumper continued working hobbling
    around on a pair of peg legs although he found himself limited in his ability to signal trains
    proficiently. Not having legs does that. One day at the market, though, Jumper came
    upon a chacma baboon who’d been trained to lead an ox-drawn wagon. Though impressive, its intelligence isn’t
    particularly surprising by today’s standards. We now know that baboons aren’t so different
    from humans in their brain capacity. Baboons can keep schedules, communicate with
    their own language, differentiate between scribbles and the written word, and the University
    of Rochester recently concluded that baboons are actually capable of counting to an extent
    although I’m not sure what all the fuss is about since I’ve been able to do that
    at least since I was double-one or twelve-teen. Jumper begged and begged and finally convinced
    the owner to let him take the baboon and thus the prodigious primate pair was born. The original owner warned Jumper, however,
    that the baboon would refuse to work unless he had been given plenty of brandy to drink. They’re really just like us. The baboon, named Jack, was first taught to
    observe and then respond to certain commands. When Jumper would hold up a certain number
    of fingers, Jack was to pull the corresponding lever. From there, Jack learned that the trains were
    giving similar orders by the number of blats from their whistle. Over time, Jack realized on his known which
    tracks needed which signals and would double-check his own work as he was doing it. He also realized that conductors needed access
    to the coal sheds and would retrieve the key from Jumper unbidden to give to the incoming
    engineers. Now, if your job is replaceable by a monkey
    you really shouldn’t be expecting much job security so surprise surprise both Jack and
    Jumper’s jobs eventually came under threat. Jack was a beloved fixture of the railroad
    until some snobby high-society aristocrat noticed that he was, in fact, a monkey and
    narc’d on the pair. The bosses at the railway were aware that
    Jumper had found an assistant but were totally in the dark about his baboon-ness. After the Cape Town executives launched an
    investigation, they found out the truth about the monkey business. So, naturally, they tried to fire both Jumper
    and Jack. Jumper begged to demonstrate Jack’s cleverness
    and so the rail managers agreed to put him to the test. Jack perfectly performed his signaling abilities,
    even checking both directions to make sure the incoming trains were heading to separate
    tracks at the station. They were so impressed that they made Jack
    an official employee paying him 20 cents a day and half a bottle of beer every week. It’s been said that in the nine years Jack
    worked as a signalman he never made a single mistake, despite being constantly drunk and
    a monkey. Jack became known as “Jack the Signalman”
    and worked and lived with Jumper in a small cottage not far from the signal house. He stayed there and worked for the railroad
    up until his death from tuberculosis in 1890 and his skull is now displayed at a museum
    in Grahamstown, South Africa not far from where he worked. Monkeys can do a lot like play the violin,
    ride bicycles, roller-skate, but what they can’t do is stop the systematic and widespread
    deforestation of their natural habitat. Luckily, you can and you don’t even have
    to spend any money or effort to do it. Ecosia is a nonprofit search engine that uses
    the money generated from advertising to reforest areas including places like Tanzania, Ethiopia,
    and Burkina Faso where there are native baboons. It only takes about 50 searches to plant one
    tree so you can really easily make a difference. Head to ecosia.co/hai to add it to your browser
    so you can start planting trees one search at a time.