Laff Mobb’s Laff Tracks – When God Tells You to Stop Teaching ft. Dave Helem | truTV

♪♪ Um, I taught high school
here in Chicago for 12 years. Thank you. Yeah, I did. Um, I thought I was
gonna change the world. I thought I was gonna motivate
these young black kids, and I just got roasted
every [bleep] day. Okay? You don’t know you shaped weird
until you become the punchline to people fighting
outside your classroom. There was two girls getting into
an argument, and one girl said, “Bitch, shut your big back
Mr. Helem-face ass up.” Right?
And, like, I can hear you, okay, this is not — it hurts. But God told me to stop
teaching high school, right. And I’m gonna give you
my testimony here. Those same two girls
got into a physical fight, and I ran to the fight
to break it up, but this time was different. I became paralyzed.
I couldn’t move. I didn’t know what was going on. Then the heavens opened up
in my classroom and I saw this bright light
shining down on me. And this figure came down
from that light. And he handed me my W-2 from
the previous school year, right. And he showed me that I had made
less than $25,000, right. And then he started pointing
to the girls fighting behind me, and then he pointed back
to the check. And then he pointed to the
girls, and he said, “David?” I said, “Yes, God?” “[Bleep] these kids.”
All right. And he just flew back
to the light, and I was like, “Oh, [bleep].” [ Laughter ] I miss the kids, though. They bad as hell,
but I miss them so much, like. I lost my dad a few years ago, and I went to school on that
Monday to make my dad proud. My dad was a very
hardworking man so I wanted to just make
my daddy happy, and I wasn’t ready. And I just broke down. One of my kids said,
“Mr. Helem, why you crying?” And I’m just like, “Man, y’all
are loud as [bleep] right now.” All right, and I said,
“I lost my dad on Saturday.” And he said, “Man, we gonna
find that [bleep] Don’t even worry about
that shit, we got you.” I said, “What?” [ Sighs ] I said, “Quantavious, um”… And if you’re laughing at that,
you’re an asshole. That’s not his fault, so… I said, “Look, man, um,
that’s not what — I said my dad passed away and y’all are being super loud
right now. I can’t — I can’t do this.” He said, “Mr. Helem, I’m sorry. Sit down.
I’ll get ’em quiet for you.” I said, “Man, thank you.
Thank you.” So I took a seat,
and I heard this. “Hey! Shut the [bleep] up! His dad is dead! He ain’t got no daddy no more! Ain’t no more barbecues,
Six Flags, Applebee’s, none of that shit,
just sadness.” [ Laughter ] I’m at a school where the kids
mess up so much, they don’t know
where to send ’em, so they send them
to this new school called an alternative school,
right. But it’s different because
the kids are old, right, and ask you
dumb-ass questions. One dude was like, “Mr. Helem?” I was like, “Yeah, what’s up?” He said, “How come
we don’t got prom?” I said, “What?” He said, “How come we don’t
have a prom here?” I said, “Fam, you almost 22. You can go to any nightclub
in America. Like, why the [bleep]
are you asking me about prom?” He was like, “Yeah,
you right, dawg.” [ Laughter ]