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Donald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton Town Hall Debate Cold Open – SNL

August 31, 2019


[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE SECOND AND WORST EVER
PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE. I’M MARTHA RADDATZ.
>>AND I’M ANDERSON COOPER. AND BEFORE WE BEGIN, WE JUST
NEED TO DO ONE LAST THING. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>>MUCH BETTER. NOW LET’S GET THIS NIGHTMARE
STARTED. PLEASE HELP US WELCOME THE
CANDIDATES. REPUBLICAN NOMINEE DONALD TRUMP
AND — CAN WE SAY THIS YET?>>PROBABLY FINE.
>>– PRESIDENT HILLARY CLINTON. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪ ♪
>>THANK YOU. THANK YOU BOTH FOR BEING HERE.
>>THANK YOU. I’D LIKE TO BEGIN BY ATTEMPTING
A CASUAL LEAN. [ LAUGHTER ]
GOT IT!>>MARTHA, TONIGHT I’M GOING TO
DO THREE THINGS. I’M GOING TO HUFF, I’M GOING TO
PUFF, AND I’M GOING TO BLOW THIS WHOLE THING.
>>NOW TONIGHT’S DEBATE IS A TOWN HALL, WHICH MEANS WE’LL BE
TAKING QUESTIONS FROM VOTERS IN THE AUDIENCE.
THEY ARE UNDECIDED, UNCOMMITTED AND NOT REMOTELY CAMERA READY.
>>SECRETARY CLINTON, WE’LL START WITH YOU.
YOUR QUESTION COMES FROM PATRICE BROCK.
>>HELLO. MY QUESTION IS, DO YOU FEEL THAT
YOU ARE MODELING APPROPRIATE AND POSITIVE BEHAVIOR FOR TODAY’S
YOUTH?>>HI, PATRICE.
LET ME START BY WALKING OVER TO YOU, JUST AS I PRACTICED.
[ LAUGHTER ] RIGHT LEFT, RIGHT LEFT, RIGHT
LEFT, LOOK, SPEAK. OKAY.
NOW YOU’RE A TEACHER?>>NO.
>>YOU HAVE KIDS?>>NO.
>>YOU LIKE KIDS?>>NO.
>>YOU’VE SEEN KIDS?>>YES.
>>GREAT. OKAY, WE’RE BONDING ALREADY.
MY FRIEND, PATRICE, I STRIVE TO BE A POSITIVE ROLE MODEL FOR ALL
CHILDREN. CHILDREN LIKE MY DAUGHTER
CHELSEA, AND MY GRANDDAUGHTER CHELSEA JR.
>>MR. TRUMP, SAME QUESTION. DO YOU FEEL YOU’RE MODELING
APPROPRIATE AND POSITIVE BEHAVIOR FOR TODAY’S YOUTH?
>>NO. NEXT.
>>SO YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT THE KIDS?
>>ANDERSON, I LOVE KIDS. OKAY, I LOVE THEM SO MUCH I
MARRY THEM. I’VE BEEN HELPING KIDS MY WHOLE
LIFE. IN 1992, I HELPED A KID NAMED
KEVIN McALLISTER FIND A HOTEL LOBBY.
REMEMBER THE DOCUMENTARY “HOME ALONE II, LOST IN NEW YORK.”
>>OKAY, MOVING ON, MR. TRUMP, WE RECEIVED A LOT OF QUESTIONS
ONLINE ABOUT THE AUDIO TAPE THAT WAS RELEASED LAST WEEK OF YOU
BRAGGING ABOUT SEXUALLY ASSAULTING WOMEN.
>>LISTEN, WHAT I SAID IS NOTHING COMPARED TO WHAT
BILL CLINTON HAS DONE. OKAY?
HE HAS ABUSED WOMEN. AND MARTHA, ANDERSON, HOLD ON TO
YOUR NIPS AND YOUR NUTS, BECAUSE FOUR OF THESE WOMEN ARE HERE
TONIGHT. FOUR OF THEM.
>>WAIT, I’M SORRY. WHO’S HERE?
>>MISTRESSES? BILL, HOW COULD YOU?
OH, HOW WILL I GO ON WITH THIS DEBATE?
I’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO REMEMBER MY FACTS AND FIGURES NOW.
OH, DONALD, NO! GET REAL, I MADE A STEAL.
THIS IS NOTHING. HI, GIRLS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>MARTHA, SHE IS TRYING TO
SILENCE THESE WOMEN, BUT THEY NEED TO BE RESPECTED AND THEY
NEED THEIR VOICES HEARD.>>AND WHAT ABOUT THE WOMEN
ACCUSING YOU OF SEXUAL ASSAULT?>>THEY NEED TO SHUT THE HELL
UP. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>ALRIGHT, LET’S MOVE ON. OUR NEXT QUESTION IS FROM
KEN CARPOWICZ.>>THANK YOU.
I’VE GOT A BORING ONE. THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT IS NOT
AFFORDABLE. WHAT WILL YOU DO TO BRING THE
COSTS DOWN AND MAKE COVERAGE BETTER?
>>WELL, KEN, THAT’S ACTUALLY A GREAT QUESTION.
I AGREE THAT OBAMACARE CAN BE APPROVED, KEN.
BUT, KEN, IT DOES HAVE ITS BENEFITS.
AND NUMBER ONE, INSURANCE COMPANIES CAN’T DENY YOU
COVERAGE BECAUSE OF A PRE-EXISTING CONDITION.
NUMBER TWO, WHICH IS A BIG DEAL IF YOU HAVE SERIOUS HEALTH
PROBLEMS. AND NUMBER THREE —
[ LAUGHTER ] SORRY.
I THOUGHT I — AND NUMBER THREE, WOMEN CAN’T BE CHARGED MORE THAN
MEN. I THOUGHT I — WOMEN CAN’T BE
CHARGED MORE THAN MEN FOR HEALTH INSURANCE.
AND NUMBER FOUR –>>OKAY, LET’S TAKE ANOTHER
QUESTION, THIS ONE COMES FROM JAMES CARTER.
>>GOOD EVENING, MR. TRUMP.>>OH, NO.
>>MY QUESTION IS, DO YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN BE A DEVOTED
PRESIDENT TO ALL PEOPLE?>>THAT IS A GREAT QUESTION,
DENZEL. THANK YOU FOR THIS QUESTION
ABOUT THE INNER CITIES.>>MY NAME IS JAMES AND I DIDN’T
ASK ANYTHING ABOUT NO INNER CITIES.
>>THE INNER CITIES ARE A MESS, OKAY.
JUST LAST MONTH I WAS IN DETROIT AND EVERYWHERE I LOOKED, THERE
WERE VIOLENT CRAZY PEOPLE AND A LOT OF THEM HAD GUNS, AND THEY
WERE SCREAMING HORRIBLE THINGS LIKE “TRUMP FOR PRESIDENT.”
>>I THINK YOU WERE AT ONE OF YOUR OWN RALLIES.
>>MARTHA, THIS BLACK MAN IS ATTACKING ME.
ALSO, SPEAKING OF BLACK MEN, DO YOU KNOW WHO ELSE SHOULD BE PUT
IN JAIL? HILLARY CLINTON.
SHE’S COMMITTED SO MANY CRIMES. SHE’S BASICALLY A BLACK.
>>SECRETARY CLINTON, DO YOU WISH TO RESPOND TO THAT?
>>NAH, I’M COOL. BECAUSE AS MY BEST FRIEND
MICHELLE OBAMA ONCE SAID, WHEN THEY GO LOW, YOU GO HIGH!
GOD I LOVE THAT QUOTE. ALMOST AS MEMORABLE AS WHEN I
SAID “TRUMPED UP, TRICKLE DOWN ECONOMICS.”
JUST A COUPLE OF EQUALLY FAMOUS QUOTES FROM A COUPLE OF EQUALLY
LOVEABLE WOMEN.>>OKAY, AND NOW SINCE EVERYONE
HAS BEEN SO GOOD, IT’S TIME FOR A SPECIAL TREAT.
>>THAT’S RIGHT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PUT YOUR
HANDS TOGETHER, FOR THE ONE, THE ONLY, MR. KEN BONE.
♪ ♪ Y’ALL READY FOR THIS ♪
♪ ♪
>>OH, MY GOD, HE IS SO CUTE.>>I REALLY NEEDED THAT RIGHT
NOW.>>NOW, WAIT, KEN, YOU’RE NOT
GOING TO TURN OUT TO BE A WEIRD LITTLE CREEP OR ANYTHING, ARE
YOU?>>MAYBE.
>>GOD, WE CAN’T HAVE ANYTHING NICE.
>>OH, WELL. WELL, WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE FINAL
QUESTION, AND IT COMES FROM CARL BECKER.
>>GOOD EVENING, MY QUESTION IS FOR HILLARY.
TONIGHT DONALD TRUMP SAID YOU SHOULD BE IN JAIL, HE SAID YOU
HAVE HATE IN YOUR HEART, AND HE FOLLOWED YOU AROUND THE STAGE
LIKE A SHARK. SO MY QUESTION, WHAT DO YOU LIKE
ABOUT HIM?>>WELL, THIS ONE’S ACTUALLY
EASY. DONALD TRUMP AND I DISAGREE ON
ALMOST EVERYTHING, BUT I DO LIKE HOW GENEROUS HE IS.
JUST LAST FRIDAY, HE HANDED ME THIS ELECTION.
>>MR. TRUMP, ONE THING YOU LIKE ABOUT SECRETARY CLINTON?
>>I LIKE THAT SHE’S A FIGHTER AND SHE DOESN’T GIVE UP, WHICH
IS WHY I NEED ALL MY SUPPORTERS TO GET OUT AND VOTE ON ELECTION
DAY. MARK YOUR CALENDARS, WRITE IT
DOWN, HERE’S THE DATE, IT’S NOVEMBER 35th.
AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!

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